If you can’t stay happy, this might be why…

Every adult child has unexpressed grief, which is usually represented by the symptoms of depression, lethargy, or forms of dissociation. ….we are ready to remove deeper layers of the “onion,” which is analogous to our recovery journey. We are removing layers of shame and despair to find our True Selves. …Just as an onion can bring tears, our grief work will help us find our tears.”

— ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS/DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES by ACA WSO INC.

The overwhelming feedback about happiness from my last letter/blog was:

Happiness is a choice.
You can read comments here

But if that's true, that means I, some of my friends, and many Americans have chosen to be unhappy. Some research shows a 50% increase in unhappiness. That doesn't make sense. What's going on? Why would anyone choose to be unhappy?

Exploring my childhood through memoir writing helped me understand what was going on. Obviously, I didn't wake up and say, "Today, I will be miserable," and neither did my friends. It reminded me of this:

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I’m standing in a large, modern conference room in Palm Springs, California. Tony Robbins, the motivational speaker is on stage, dressed in black, his spent voice encouraging 2000 of us to scream as loud as we can as we envision our future. Lasers streak through the dark room and dance music pumps through concert speakers, vibrating from my feet up to my chest. I feel alive, confident, and ready to overcome any obstacle. I write in my workbook, I am my best self, right now, and believe it. I'm happy.

A week later it wears off. I’m back to worrying about the kids and the mortgage, unhappy. I’ll repeat this for over 15 years, going to seminars, reading self help books, and studying everything I can find on the science of motivation and happiness. I will use my willpower to create a successful speaking business, fitness product, appear on TV, write books, and motivate people to be their best. To everyone, I appear happy.

I’m not. Something’s always missing. It will take many more years, a therapist, and a 12 step program to uncover what it was; unexpressed grief from childhood. I learn, no matter how hard I try, I will never sustain my happiness until I deal with the past. And that’s when I read about grief being like an onion; I had to peel back the past, like layers of an onion, and at each one, deal with what I encountered. Here’s an excerpt about it from my upcoming memoir:

Perfect Peter (And Why I Hated Him)

Excerpt from Prologue

...For years I read spiritual authors like Eckhart Tolle and tried to do what they recommended. Tolle advised, You can explore your past, but it’s not essential for enlightenment. Instinctively, I disagreed, but I’d try to follow his teachings because I was desperate. Then when I couldn’t do it, I’d judge myself hopeless. I’d also go to Tony Robbins seminars, sometimes for a week at a time, listen to podcasts, read books recommended by friends, and see several therapists over the years. Everything I tried sort of worked, but only for a short while, then I’d return to my default; dysfunctional thinking.  For example, when I tried to be present like Tolle recommended, or manifest my destiny like Robbins advised, I would use my willpower to do it, something I had a lot of, but always failed and reverted back to my faulty thinking; What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I stick with anything? Later, working my 12-step program, I’d read, “Will power is no match for dysfunction.”

I respect people like Tolle and Robbins, and believe they are genuine in sharing what worked for them. But for me, before I could live in the present, and have hope for the future, I had to go back to the past, open the closed closets, tear down my house, and build a new solid foundation, the foundation my parents were supposed to help me build but were suffering too much themselves to help me do. Until then, I couldn't sit quietly in a room, stare out the window, and reach nirvana. 

I shared my thoughts regarding self help books with a 12-step friend who shared it with her brother. He wrote back, “What gurus teach are temporary fixes. For it to be permanent, you have to believe you are worthy, and that’s the tricky part. We seek other’s teachings for empowerment, but empowerment comes from within.” That was a revelation for me. The “self help stuff” didn’t stick because deep down, I didn’t believe I was worthy. Psychologists say, “Our self worth comes from our parents and caregivers.” There was my problem.

And Frank my therapist shared, “Although some self help books can be helpful, they are written for the masses. In general they must be viewed with a realistic discernment, there is no “one size fits all”, and as informed consumers, self help benefits from some custom tailoring.” He added, “If there isn’t someone sitting in the room to assist you, you can come to wrong or hurtful conclusions about yourself.” 

My recovery took two years and counting of working the 12-steps, attending weekly meetings, weekly therapy sessions, daily readings, daily communications with 12-step friends, and writing. I had previously spent over $25,000 and 15 years doing what “gurus” recommended. But for me, what it took was a free, anonymous, 12-step program, a good therapist, and time.

Do you have experience with happiness and grief? What helped you? I'd like to know. I will use your comment to inform my writing as I finish my memoir, and include it in my book.

If you're struggling with happiness or depression, like me, you're not alone. The more I speak with people, the more they reveal the pain they hide, like I did. Reach out for help either by emailing me, talking with a therapist, or exploring 12 step programs as appropriate. There is hope my friend.

Thanks for listening, and sharing below in comments, social media, or if it's personal, email me.


Your Friend,

Peter